Anxiety

Bras + Swimwear = RAGE

I’m giving you fair warning now – this will be a quite ranting post that will revolve a lot around body image and living within one’s body.  I will not tolerate and do not need any fat-shaming comments here – anyone with negative comments have no business to pass judgment as they are not my health professional and have no business commenting on what they don’t know.  Sorry to start off defensive, but I know how horrible people can be online.  Like I’ve said on my About Me page, I want this to be a safe space to share my thoughts.  I moderate negative comments anyway and will just delete them, but it’s still hurtful – so just be nice.

I’m not a small woman.  I’m quite curvy and  I have big boobs.  I have sensory issues with clothing and I hate wearing underwired bras.  I find them extremely uncomfortable because the wires poke the tender side areas of my boobs under my arms, the cleavage wires overlap and rub between my boobs because they’re too big/free-flowing to allow the gap the wires try to create, and the pressure of the wires under my boobs on my ribcage just feels restrictive and horrible.  I have managed to find one brand of non-wired bra (which is not a maternity brand!!) which I like and I own a few of the same style; once you find something you like, stock up in case they discontinue it!!  This gives me context for my swimsuit rant.

I have this one-piece swimsuit which I bought from Bravissimo (for bigger boobs) a few years ago.  It is a non-wired swimsuit with a high strap along the back, which gives it a restricted ‘opening’ to climb into the suit at the top to pull up to get around my bottom and hips.  I have grown weary of this because, after a workout around the gym, my sweaty body does not like being manipulated into this particular swimsuit, and Paul wonders why it takes me so long to come out to the pool when we’ve gone into our respective changing rooms at the same time.  I explain that all he has to do is just strip and pull on his swim shorts – job done.  I have more to take off and more of me to fit into this swimsuit.  So I started searching online for plus size/big boob swimwear… the former does not necessarily cater to bigger boobs (just an amorphous shape with presumably small or amorphous boobs), and the latter does not necessarily cater to plus sizes (just skinnier bodies with ample bosoms).  When I can find a site that meets both criteria, I rejoice… until I search for non-wired suits and get landed with one option (usually black) and they’re usually out of stock.  Well, great.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally found a site where I could get a two-piece tankini type thing that fulfils my plus size and big boob criteria.  I ended up buying tankini bottoms from a different site that I love, as they were on sale for £8, and bought the tankini top from this new site, as it was quite expensive on its own and it would have been nearly £100 for the two pieces from that new website alone.

Fast forward to when I received both parts in the post and tried them on – bottoms were fine, but the boobs had virtually no support.  Looked at the tags for the top and it said “best worn with the [branded] swim bra”.  Okayyyy… so I ordered that, thinking I’d give it a try, and it arrived yesterday.  Well, it’s not one of those “put it on with the clasp at the front then turn it around” types, and it’s not exactly easy trying to connect two pieces of plastic smaller than a 50p coin behind your back!!  I got so frustrated after a few minutes of missing that I actually screamed, threw it on the bed and walked out of the room.  Paul offered to help me, and I said there was no point because he couldn’t help me in the locker room at the gym (and there’s no way in hell I’m asking a random stranger to assist either)!!

After a few minutes to cool down, I tried again and succeeded in getting it on… and I’m pretty sure it’s too big.  I bought my bra size, but there’s excess fabric on the cups.  Paul says it looks fine, but I’m not convinced.  I put the tankini top over it, and try on the bottoms with it too… needless to say, I feel more girdled and trussed up than I did on our wedding day (and that was a Trinny & Susannah body shaper)!!  I said that this was definitely not a swimming swimsuit, which Paul quipped, “well we don’t really swim-swim, do we?  We tend to just float around.”  I said, “that’s not the point – if I wanted to ‘swim-swim’, I’d like to be able to feel like I can move and breathe and not feel restricted by what I’m wearing.”  Obviously one must expect that swimwear won’t be as forgiving as normal clothes, but come on – should I really feel like I can’t breathe?!  I’ve decided to try the swimsuit out tonight with one of the Belvia stretchy bras underneath, as that isn’t quite as constrictive as the swim bra, and it should hopefully provide a smidge more support than the tankini top on its own.  If successful, the swim bra is going back – £38 is a lot for a piece of swimwear that is potentially the wrong size and just not nice to wear. (Update from when I first started writing this – Belvia bra it is!)

Ultimately, my issue is that just because underwires make our boobs look good to those around us, we should not sacrifice our comfort for the sake of pleasing others.  I strongly believe in comfort above style, and I think even if I didn’t have these sensory-type issues, I wouldn’t like wearing that type of bra.  I’m a big supporter of Taryn Brumfitt and the Body Image Movement, and am all about EVERYONE loving their bodies regardless of shape or size, so the fact that I got so frustrated with my body and my boobs in particular last night, it was horrible, but it was also kind of okay because it wasn’t me feeling like society says I should look different, but that I’m just frustrated in myself, which I will work on, along with Paul’s support.

I wish to state that he is a supportive partner and wants to be healthier himself and wants to embark on this journey with me (we already go to the gym and Pilates together, we just need to improve things on the eating side); not once have I felt that he wants me to change or is pressuring me to lose weight.

I will admit this was a very ‘stream-of-consciousness’ post and I hope it makes sense… it’s not always easy to decant these frustrations in a coherent manner!

Anxiety overload and not able to do anything about it

Good morning folks. I’m having a bit of a wobble and feel the need to share another part of my self-diagnosis ‘manifesto’, which I compiled to evidence why I want to proceed with an assessment as to whether I have Asperger’s/Autism or not.  So far, my first post, sensory post and ‘Just put it back!!’ post were all from this document (I just realised that I’ve not fully explained this before).

Today, I just feel like a raw ball of nerve endings… I’m aware that my pulse is a bit elevated and I just feel a bit on edge… but the annoying thing is THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT.  It’s just a general day, nothing new or exciting or unexpected happening (other than a meeting which I will have absolutely nothing to contribute to), but I’m so off-kilter, I can barely concentrate – hence why I’m taking a few minutes to try to settle myself down and recalibrate before trying to do some actual work again.  I’ve put my iPod on and am listening to This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours… I can’t explain it, but this album soothes me.  The last few weeks I’ve been habitually listening to Rewind The Film and Futurology back to back on repeat, and right now This Is My Truth is hitting the spot… quite apropos that I’ve used that in the context of this blog too.

I feel like my anxiety is constantly at a low-level ‘hum’ in the background – kind of like a running refrigerator – and I can only honestly recall one time in my entire life when I was able to fully relax (cruise holiday in 2010, because I pretty much had nothing to worry about – all meals didn’t need planning, there were plenty of activities to keep us amused if needed, we could do whatever we wanted whenever).  I feel like I have carried this around my whole life, like a type of armour almost, keeping me rigid, hyper-vigilant and alert.  Because of the issues listed related to living with Paul’s mother, whenever I come home, I can’t relax – I have to check things and feel like I have to do this because no one else will because no one else cares.  I don’t feel like this is newly-acquired OCD, because I’ve never been in a living situation like this before where conditions were similar, and I don’t feel like I have an Anxiety Disorder, as it’s been around as long as I can remember, but at a low level, and again it’s only been exacerbated by the living situation.  Up until we’ve smoothed things out, I even restricted how much she saw of my Facebook profile, because I felt like she already had too much of an overview of my daily life by living with us, and I’m entitled to some privacy; just because anyone is listed as a friend on Facebook doesn’t automatically entitle them to full access to anyone’s stuff and I can share what I want with who I want, and it’s none of her damn business.

The misperception of this sensitivity is that we are hard to get along with…paranoid.  Watch for signs of physical and emotional discomfort in your child and don’t expect them to just “get over it”.

The Aspergian need for R&R – ritual and routine – is a way of controlling our world.  It is our security blanket; knowing what to expect, where to expect it, and who to expect it from.  Whether by eating the same foods each day, taking the same route to work, lining underwear up by colour in a drawer: these things make us feel safe on an otherwise precarious planet.

The need for ritual and routine is simplistically labelled as having “control issues” when an observer doesn’t know a person is autistic.  Saying someone has control issues sounds like an accusation – it connotes a psychological neurosis that has an incident or incidents at its base and is within our control to change or get rid of.  This implies that if we just do the work we can eliminate the need for control.  We can lessen our need for rituals and routines, with mindfulness, therapy, and effort but it will never be gone completely.  We need others to understand and tolerate this. (Rudy Simone – Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome) [UK Kindle Edition]

 

‘Always thought you were a bit weird.’

Autism In The Workplace – The Guardian

This is an article I could have written myself!! I stay out of the tea rounds at work because it’s way too stressful to try to get the drinks done to everyone’s liking… I’m very particular about my tea and just prefer to keep it where I make my own tea, don’t have to worry about anyone screwing it up, and I’m not then indebted to others for making my drinks for me.

Secret Santa does my head in too. Do you get something practical? Do you get something funny? Do you know the person particularly well? You’re basically screwed regardless, so I tried to stay out of it last time (because I was actually asked if I wanted to participate), but ended up getting sucked into it anyway!! I know it’s all in good fun and holiday spirit, yadda yadda yadda, but to the Aspie person, it’s a social construct which is just not worth the hassle.

It’s nice to see that stories like this are being published more!!