realisation

My Love/Hate Relationship with Concerts: Stimming Joy & Sensory Overload

I’ve loved music as long as I can remember… from singing along to “Shout” by Tears for Fears on MTV before I could properly talk to stim-listening to the same Manic Street Preachers song repeatedly, music has featured in my life in one way, shape or form.

My first ever concert experience was 25 years ago today – 15th July 1993 at Melody Fair Theatre in North Tonawanda, New York.  I was 8 years old and attended The Moody Blues “A Night at Red Rocks” tour, my first outing alone with my parents since my brother was born a little over four years prior (he stayed with my grandparents while we went to the concert)… I remember feeling really excited to get the alone time with my parents, and I really liked The Moody Blues’ music.

(Before anyone decides to poke fun or anything, how many 8-year-olds do you know with their own taste in music that was not at all influenced by their parents?)

Because this was 25 years ago and I’ve slept a lot since then, I only remember snippets from the whole experience.  Melody Fair had a circular stage in the middle of a dome-shaped structure which slowly rotated throughout the concert (the stage, not the building!)… at one point as the band rotated past us, bassist John Lodge waved at me!  I remember one of my foam earplugs fell out (knowing me, I was probably fiddling with it because it felt funny or something) and I couldn’t believe how loud it was.  I looked to my dad for help and he whisked me out of my seat to the rear of the auditorium to put my earplug back in and settle me down.  We went back in and enjoyed the rest of the show.  I loved the feeling of being immersed in the music and seeing a band that I had only ever seen in music videos on TV in person.

We didn’t know back then that I was autistic or had sensory sensitivities; my dad was acting as a concerned and attentive parent, ensuring that his young daughter’s hearing was protected.

Fast forward 25 years.

I can’t remember how many concerts I’ve been to, but I’ve seen The All-American Rejects nine times between 2003-2012 and Manic Street Preachers nine times as well between 2010-2018, so that’s at least 18 concerts… Roger Waters three times (twice The Wall 2011 & 2013 and once US+THEM 2018)… Flight of the Conchords twice (2010 & 2018)… you get the picture.

The phrase “I like going to concerts” is a bit of a misnomer.  Being a pedantic amateur linguist, the more accurate phrase for me would be “I like actually being in my seat and watching the show in my own little bubble and ignoring the rest of the world around me while immersed in the music & lights”.  I have continued with wearing earplugs to concerts, more recently really enjoying using Flare Audio Isolate Mini earplugs, as the sound isn’t muffled and you end up listening through bone conduction.  The rumbling bass and pounding drumbeats reverberate through me and the lighting is colourful and fun to watch.  Being at the concert itself is a full-body stimming experience, which may be overwhelming for some, but when in the right headspace, I love it.

However, it’s the before and after that almost always ruins the enjoyable experience for me.

I’ll use our most recent experience attending the Flight of the Conchords show in Birmingham a few weeks ago as a prime example of what I struggle with most.

We were in the midst of the seemingly neverending heatwave in the UK… temperatures were between 84-90°F (29-32°C).  Very little breeze.  Not really humid, but quite uncomfortable.  My husband and I arrived at the National Exhibition Centre (NEC) complex in Birmingham, parked the car and walked towards Genting Arena.  It felt like it was taking absolutely ages to get to our destination… the heat certainly wasn’t helping things.  We stopped to get something to eat about 3/4 of the way to the arena itself at The Piazza within the NEC itself.  Even going inside, there was no respite from the heat – no air conditioning, no real air movement at all.  The restaurant we stopped at wasn’t very busy to start, but quite soon loads more people arrived and the quiet table we had to ourselves soon had people sitting at every other table near us, and because they were quite close together, individuals would invariably brush past or bump into me as they were walking to their tables from ordering within the restaurant.  Once or twice, I could forgive, but by the fifth or sixth time, it was getting my hackles up, especially as I was still trying to finish my dinner.  As soon as we were finished, we moved away from the restaurant’s seating area and sat at another small table in the Piazza’s open area, spending a little time catching up on Facebook and the news in general for several minutes before heading to the arena.

The walk to the arena wasn’t too bad, other than having to negotiate walking around pairs and small groups of people, which isn’t easy when you have subtle proprioceptive difficulties and somewhat dyspraxic tendencies that are exacerbated by being fatigued and overheated.

Following the Manchester Arena attack last year, security checks at concert venues have been ramped up, which I’m absolutely fine with; however, I am always very self-conscious when I find myself fumbling with the zippers on my rucksack and there’s a queue of people behind me watching, as well as the security officer waiting for me to get my bag open… this little spike of anxiety makes me less dexterous and fumble more, which I then think makes me look guilty somehow, even though I know I’m not bringing anything dangerous or illegal in with me.

Once beyond security, the overwhelm begins.  The arena’s Forum Live area is “the place to grab some food, meet friends for a drink and listen to some fantastic unsigned acts on the Forum Live stage before the main event”… food stands, alcohol purveyors, merchandise stands, music performers, and even charity collectors from Guide Dogs UK – the poor dogs looked so miserable, it was so loud and hot.  There were people everywhere… it was so noisy, and trying to navigate through the crowd was causing another anxiety spike.  We joined a sort-of organised crowd queue system in front of the merchandise stand, which gave us time to have a look at what was available to buy.  I settled on a set of enamel pins – Bret & Jemaine’s faces and a stylised FOTC logo like the pop art LOVE sculpture.

After getting a pint of cider, we found our seats and settled in for the show.  I finally was able to settle down and feel calm.

Eugene Mirman opened the show and was very funny.  Having seen him in FOTC’s HBO show and being a voice actor for shows like Archer and Bob’s Burgers, it was a bit surreal to see him in person.

The Conchords took the stage to a warm reception from the crowd.  The stage set was very simple – a couple of chairs, microphones and their instruments (including a piano) – and the plain backdrop behind the duo acted as a canvas for a colourful PARcan light show.  The show itself was absolutely brilliant and I thoroughly enjoyed it… some new songs we’d never heard before mixed in with several familiar tunes from the TV show.

Then the show ended and it was time to depart.  The difference between the NEC and the NIA (now Arena Birmingham) is that the NEC, while near the Birmingham International Airport railway station, I don’t think many people travelled by train; due to the show’s scheduled end time, the last train would have already left.  The NIA is within short walking distance to both New Street and Snow Hill stations, and thus people tend to disperse in multiple directions from the NIA, whereas from the NEC, it seemed that the majority of people were heading in the same direction towards the car parks.

Walking out of the arena, I kept my earplugs in and I was so glad I did.  Even through my earplugs, it sounded like a cacophony walking through the Forum Live area towards the arena exits, almost like the roar of the ocean in a storm.  I clung to my husband so we didn’t lose each other in the crowd.  As soon as we got outside, I took myself off the footpath onto the grass to catch my breath.  I had to build myself up for the long walk back to the car.

Along the footpath to the car parks, there were pedestrian tunnels and pinch points along the way, which led to the throng of people to stop outright periodically.  Even though it was getting close to 11pm by this point, it was still quite stiflingly warm and I was exhausted… I just wanted to get back to the car.  I didn’t want to be stuck in amongst the crowd of people, hot and sticky and worn out.

When we finally got back to the car, trying to leave was nigh on impossible.  The cars were queuing, pulling out of their car parking spaces cutting others off rudely, and only inching forwards every few minutes.  We were stationary for nearly 45 minutes before we noticed that a second exit to the car park was opened, and we managed to loop the car around to leave that way.  Due to traffic jams (unclear as to the cause), we ended up taking a little detour to get back on the motorway we needed to head home whilst avoiding the long queues on the roads off the NEC campus.

Granted, this was highly unusual and we’ve never experienced a departure from a gig like this… the last time I was stuck leaving an event was easily back when I was still living in Western New York and was trying to leave a Sabres game from downtown Buffalo.

The sensory overwhelm and stress caused by all of this almost made me completely forget about the enjoyable experience I had at the show itself.

My biggest frustration is that being autistic and having sensory needs is not quite recognised by venues like this, nor even by government support offices (I tried applying for Personal Independence Payments to have evidence of need for access, but was declined because I’m too capable of looking after myself… that will be another blog for another day).  The NEC’s website has a section about accessibility for those with physical needs and disabilities, but no indication of how to support autistic guests.  Having a separate accessible entrance & exit and perhaps a shuttle between the car park & venue would have greatly reduced the stress I experienced.  I suppose it’s about raising these kinds of issues and making these venues aware of how they could support guests with invisible disabilities and conditions… but whether they would be open to accommodating us remains to be seen.

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Facebook Toxicity

This will not be a political post, but I will be making reference to the current political climate online, especially on Facebook.

I joined Facebook in November 2004 – one day after I turned 20.  I am now 32, which means that I’ve spent just over 1/3 of my life on Facebook.  This fact in and of itself depresses me to a certain degree.  Of that time, 2/3 of it has been me living in the UK; I use this as an excuse for keeping it going, as it “keeps me connected” with friends in the US, as well as my cousins & aunt.  However, I am finding myself feeling increasingly upset/frustrated by scrolling through my news feed.

The state of the world at present terrifies me.  Being Aspie, I’m resistant to change at the best of times (even the supermarket rearranging their shelves and it taking me an extra minute to find what I’m looking for is enough to send me into a mini-tizzy) but the swing from the 44th to the 45th President of the United States is as polarised of a swing that we’ve experienced in a generation.  Even though I’m living 3,500+ miles away from America, their level of power in the world arena is undeniable.  I am deeply worried about the future of the world – its citizens and the environment.

Facebook in 2004 was very different from today.  It was exclusively university students (needed a .edu email address to sign up!) and consisted primarily of frat party photos in varying degrees of fancy dress and “poking” wars with a crush.  Today, it’s full of baby photos (first, second or even third babies now), wedding reception photos, and long diatribe rants about the latest political news.  I am interested in others’ points of view and in learning more about what I may not understand, but the tone of people’s comments has been becoming increasingly vitriolic, especially from people that I “used to know” (i.e. went to high school together but haven’t communicated since before we graduated).

I don’t think anyone would deny that Aspies are highly sensitive individuals.  We take on the emotions from those around us and can feel really drained when energy is running high.  Because so many on my news feed are friends from America, I’ve been kept apprised of the political goings-on, especially during the bloodbath that was the 2016 election.  Many of my friends shared articles from trusted journalistic outlets, but then I’d see there were over 20 comments on the post, most paragraphs-long, decrying “liberal bias”, “skewed facts”, and other scathing remarks.  I opt not to jump in with the comment brigade for fear of being slammed down and hurled a plethora of insults – not because I’m a “special snowflake”, but because I don’t seek out recreational abuse from the trolling types.  It’s bad enough seeing exchanges like this on friends’ posts – I can’t bear anymore to look at the thousands of comments on posts by public pages, where the real internet trolls feed and thrive.

It has been recommended to me to contact the counselling-by-telephone service Let’s Talk… I’ve used it several years ago, but I do not feel that their services would help me at present.  I find that since becoming self-aware of my Aspie-ness and understanding how my mind works a bit better than before, I am able to unpick things myself and talk things through with likeminded friends (especially my fellow Aspergirl sisters – you know who you are 😘).  I recognise that I’m burnt out at present – likely from being too strong for too long – and I need to retreat into my protective bubble to recuperate and regroup.  Part of this will be actively self-limiting my use of Facebook, unfollowing those whose posts will likely cause me undue anguish, and outright unfriending those with whom I have no active connection anymore.  I have seen articles over time talking about how people can become depressed by using Facebook, as we tend to self-censor (i.e. putting our best selves forward for others to see) and if we do it ourselves, of course others on our newsfeeds will be doing this, so we base our own lives on the filtered versions of others… no wonder we end up feeling inadequate and down.  It takes a strong person to recognise this and pull themselves out of it.

I know I am a strong person so with my level of determination, I will be able to do it.  I just cannot rush it.  My lack of patience for waiting will interfere, but having several voices of reason around me will help keep me in check.  This is going to sound cheesy and cliche, but seriously, since joining the International Aspergirl Society and becoming actively involved with members, finding the sisterhood has been so amazing.  While we are all individuals with unique life experiences, there is a common thread that we all share which helps us (or at least this is true for me) feel less alone and isolated.  I am so grateful and do not take it for granted whatsoever.  This has helped keep me going over the last several weeks where I was feeling quite sad and alone.  Now I feel like I can face what life throws at me because I am supported and loved. 🌸

15 Reasons I love my Asperger’s / #actuallyautistic friends

Yet again, The Silent Wave has written an amazing post that I identify so much with. If you don’t already follow her, best to get that sorted out pronto. 😉🌸

the silent wave

Discovering the truth about my Asperger’s/autistic identity was in itself a complete life game-changer.  The discovery alone was its own gift, a head-nod from the universe or the cosmos or whatever that said, “you’ve worked hard enough; you’ve earned a little nudge, a little loving push, a little…secret decoder key that will suddenly clarify your entire life such that when you turn this key, your entire life will make sense to you.”

OK, cool.  Glad we’ve established that. 🙂

If the discovery was that monumental a gift, just wait–there’s more!  My Asperger’s/autism discovery and resulting identity had a ripple effect, a perpetual gift that just keeps giving and giving…

And that, my pretties, is that when I found my true identity, I also found my true community.  The place–and the people–to which and to whom I finally feel like I belong.

Over the past several months, I’ve been attempting to…

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30 Things I’ve learned since learning that I “have” Asperger’s / autism

After a cognitively exhausting two weeks, coming across this has been a relief. I am “my own worst enemy” and even though many people around me say that I need to not be so hard on myself, I recognise that I really need to work on the “being kinder to myself” bit and the “explaining myself in a Spoonie context” bit. 🌸

the silent wave

(To be clear, when I write words like “I ‘have'” and “people ‘with'”, I’m not trying to advocate or emphasize a person-first viewpoint.  Truthfully, I’m very much a proponent of identity-first language; I simply title my posts the way I do (and occasionally use those phrases in the text of the post) to make this blog and its posts more search-engine-friendly, in order to reach–and hopefully help–more people, because they’ll likely use person-first search strings.  OK, with that said, moving forward…)

The last seven-plus months have been a complete game-changer for me (and at least a few others that I know of).  The learning curve has been steep at times, but all the neat positive and encouraging resources, authors, blogs, social media accounts, social media groups, and internet forums out there have all lubricated the uphill climb for me, making for a much easier ascent through the learning process.

The…

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‘How can you not hear that??’ communicating sensory difficulties

I have always had sensory sensitivities but never knew that was what they were called; I always felt like others thought I was just being dramatic, so I rarely said anything. It’s nice, in a way, to have these sensory differences acknowledged. 🌸

YennPurkis

I’m not sure if this is the case for anyone else but the older I get, the worse my sensory sensitivities are. I used to be able to eat almost anything and it all tasted good and had a texture which didn’t revolt me. Now I am anxious about going to restaurants in case they have nothing I can happily eat.  I eat exactly the same dish every night unless I get take away, in which case I usually order the same dish! (Except for pizza. I think it’s pretty hard to make pizza horrible). To the horror of my vegetarian, vegan and health conscious friends, the things I am able to eat mostly come from the meat group or the sugar group! I am only 42 so worry that if I get old I might only have one thing I can eat!

I also have an increasingly heightened sense…

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Interview with Samantha Craft of Everyday Aspie

When Samantha Craft of Everyday Aspie posted on her Facebook page about doing a “blog tour” of interviews with other bloggers, I had to reach out!  She may be best known for doing the unofficial but widely shared list of Ten Asperger’s Traits (Women, Females, Girls) – one of the first lists I came across during my preliminary investigations into my own Aspie-ness.  I am grateful for her time in completing my interview questions and I hope you enjoy getting to know more about her! 😊🌸

Firstly, thank you for your time and welcome to …i am my own experience… and this “stop” on your blog tour!

Thank you for taking the time to interview me.  I love the name “Cherry Blossom Tree.”  I have a beautiful aged cherry blossom tree right out my dining room window.

I’ve really enjoyed reading your book, Everyday Aspergers [Amazon UK eBook], and understand that it took ten years to compile and get published – a big achievement indeed!  What brought you to writing a blog in the first place?

Yes. I am quite relieved the process is over.  It still feels a bit unbelievable.  Thank you for taking the time to read the book.  I appreciate that.  I began blogging in my mid-forties because I was confused by my own diagnosis in regard to what Asperger’s meant to me and how it related to who I already was.  I also continued writing because of an experience I had at a university I was attending, in which I was shamed for mentioning I had Asperger’s Syndrome.  I was motivated to keep writing to show others they weren’t alone and to spread the word about autism, particularly autistic women and late-age diagnosis.  But mostly, it was a place for me to process my own thoughts.

Can you tell me about what has helped you in blogging?

Hmmm.  That question can be taken a few different ways.  What helped me to blog was all of the thoughts and ideas I had in my head.  Getting the diagnosis triggered this whole self-analysis, and that in turn triggered my need to express myself through writing.  I’d say the angst inside was a primary motivator, that and the initial support (and later ongoing support) that I received from other bloggers, and later on fellow Asperians

How would you describe your blogging style?

At first I largely entertained.  I thought I had to produce something of value to keep anyone interested.  There is a lot of humour in my writings during the first year on my blog Everyday Asperger’s.  Later, I started to write from the heart, to purge my soul, so to speak.  I would simply sit at the computer and listen to myself tell me what to write.  It was similar to taking dictation.  I just wrote what I heard… my fingers typed.  It was a very healing process and very therapeutic.  I rarely set out to write on a specific subject or topic, and let what was in me rise up and spill out onto the pages.  Most of my time went to editing, sometimes a few hours, because of my dyslexia and dysgraphia and the way I process language.  The content itself flowed out quite naturally, and sometimes too fast for my fingers to keep up!

Was there a particular author/writer who inspired you to write?

No.  I did run into AlienHippy at the start.  She has a wonderful Christian-based blog on her experience as an adult Asperian.  If anyone motivated me to continue on, it was her, and a few others; not because of their writing, but because of their kind spirits.

Can you briefly explain for my readers about when you first wondered if/realised that you might be on the Autism Spectrum?

I first seriously considered I might be on the spectrum after I had been taking my middle son to therapy.  As part of the requirement for the master’s degree program in counselling I had started, I had to visit a mental health therapist.  She happened to be my son’s therapist, and I asked her if she suspected I might have ASD, and she was most definitely sure I did.  From there, I sought out an official diagnosis.

How has writing your blog helped you during your diagnostic journey? Has it been a hindrance at all?

The only hindrance happened when one person was offended by something I did/said on Facebook, which I cannot remember at this point, nor can I remember the person’s name.  (That’s one of the benefits of dyslexia, face-blindness, and short-term memory issues – I don’t often remember people who, at one point or another, caused me strife).  I was deeply vulnerable the first year or so after I was diagnosed and took people’s opinions to heart.  I have sensed grown a lot and have tons of strength.  But back then, I almost stopped blogging based on judgments and assumptions a person was not only saying about me but spreading on Facebook.  I actually wrote a post about the entire experience, not referencing the person or supplying clues about the person.  I didn’t wish any retaliation to come that person’s way.  I was deeply hurt.  But overall, astonishingly, with well over 1 million hits on that blog, that was the only incident!  I certainly didn’t think when I started I would be blogging over four years, that’s for sure.

When did you get the idea for My Spectrum Suite? How long did it take for it to become what you hoped for it to be?

When I was about to publish my book, I wanted to form a company to represent the book, beyond the publisher.  I wanted a place to display activities associated with Asperger’s, speaking engagements, and share about some of the awesome people I met on the spectrum.  I created Spectrum Suite to showcase Aspergians’ gifts in art and literature.  I also have a great resource page their of other ASD professionals and artists.

How has becoming a known name in the online Autism/Asperger’s community been for you? What (if anything) would you change about it?

It doesn’t feel real most of the time.  When I went to the FABULOUS ANCA Worldwide Autism Festival event in Vancouver, Canada in early October this year, I walked into a formal award event and the sweetest lady (animation artist), Liz, turned around and said, “Are you Samantha Craft?  You are my idol.  I’ve been following you for years.”  Then the lady behind me, another nominee up for Community Mentor, tapped me on the shoulder and whispered with a smile, “I follow your blog, too.”  Turns out most of the women from the US at ANCA knew of me or my blog.  That felt strange.

I don’t often feel emotions about what I’ve accomplished.  I know logically I have accomplished something but don’t feel any sense of pride.  The process felt necessary and natural to me — to process, to share, to give, to connect, to write.  It wasn’t something I set out to do; meaning, I didn’t set out for people to know me.  When I do feel a sense of accomplishment is when I am able to connect one autistic to the others I know and form new friendships and companionships for individuals.  I am most happy about that.  I cry about that.  The rest doesn’t seem significant, even though perhaps it ought to.  Kind of like if you brushed your teeth and got thanked for it.  I was doing something I felt I not only needed to do, but had to do.  It was my calling and soul’s purpose.  And I benefited from the experience internally, just as much as anyone else, if not more.

I’m quite excited to be part of the International Aspergirl® Society with you! As it’s still quite new, what do you hope for the future with this Society and for Aspie women and girls?

That’s great you are a member.  With all I’m doing, you need to nudge me and remind me to pop on in.  Rudy has some great videos listed there.  I hope that her vision for the society is reached and that more and more women find a voice, connection, and a way to use their gifts.  I think organizations like Rudy’s can go along way in providing opportunity, education, awareness, and a safe place for autistics.

If you had the chance to speak to your younger self, what advice would you give her?

I actually wrote a letter to my younger self twice in the book.  One about letting her know everything is going to be okay and one about puberty and boys.  Those are the things I’d still tell her.  I’d let her know that despite what she thinks she is brilliant, loving, pretty, and going to be safe one day.

To conclude, what would be five random facts about you that no one would ever guess? [these don’t need to be too personal, but just a bit fun!]

Oh, that’s a great question!  Let’s see.  Most people know so much about me! I like to joke I am a literal open book now . . . hmmm . . Off the top of my head:

  1. My uncle dated Patty Hearst. (I love to share that one for some reason)
  2. I am very self-conscious of my upper arms, and have been since I was in my 20s.
  3. I get mad at myself, if I think anything judgmental about anyone.
  4. I don’t know if I ever want to write another book, after the long process to write the first.
  5. I love my toes. They are really cute.

Thank you for this wonderful interview. Thank YOU for your lovely responses!

Please be sure to check out Samantha Craft’s pages across the Internet!

Thoughts on Recent Celebrity Deaths

So, I think it’s fair to say that 2016 so far has taken many well-known and influential people, musicians and actors alike.  The reactions on social media are all quite similar (“OMG I can’t believe it! RIP” “Another legend taken too soon” and other sentiments to that effect), and I just feel like I’m maybe taking too pragmatic of an approach to it, because I just feel a brief moment of sadness, have a quiet reflective thought and then carry on.  If anything, I feel like as a member of humanity (and a self-confessed hyper-emotional person) that I should feel sadder than I do, but then feel worse when I don’t.

It reminds me of an episode of Daria, the cartoon television series about a teenage girl who I identified quite significantly with when I was in high school… perhaps Daria will be the subject of another blog post in the near future.  For those of you not familiar with Daria, here is a brief description of her character: “Cynical, pessimistic and sardonic to a terminal degree, Daria’s intellect and academic insight is often counterbalanced by her pronounced lack of motivation… Her trademark characteristic is that she rarely changes her facial expression or the tone of her voice, except for a small satisfied smile akin to the Mona Lisa’s when she is pleased, and sometimes a high-pitched “Eep!” sound when something is suggested or hinted that involves Jane’s brother Trent. In the later episodes, she was more frequently drawn as sad when under emotional stress. Bemused by the world around her, Daria usually reacts to the stupidity of her classmates, faculty and family with a caustic remark, and only lets her emotions show in times of deep frustration.”

The episode I’m referring to is entitled The Misery Chick, where famed Lawndale High alumni quarterback and all-time jackass Tommy Sherman manages to annoy or anger everyone he encounters.  Shortly after his exchange with Daria and Jane, he dies in a freak accident, crushed by the football goal post that was meant to be dedicated in his honour when it falls over on him.  Other students keep coming up to Daria to talk to her and get advice on their sadness and grief because she’s “The Misery Chick”.  In conversation with Brittany (the ditzy cheerleader):

Brittany – It’s like, I feel bad, but I think I should feel worse, and not feeling worse makes me feel bad all over again.
Daria – The truth is, Brittany, is that you are nice, or you wouldn’t be feeling bad at all right now.
Brittany – So… you’re saying that feeling bad about not feeling worse is good?
(pause as Daria lets that one sink in)
Daria – Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
Brittany – Thanks, Daria! (runs off)
Daria – (writing on notepad) “Feeling bad… not feeling worse… good.”

Jane (Daria’s best friend) gets weirded out by Tommy’s death as she and Daria were the last ones to speak to him before the accident, so she spends most of the episode avoiding Daria.  When Daria finally gets to speak to Jane towards the end of the episode, she beautifully explains why she’s been struggling:

Daria – Are you avoiding me?
Jane – Um… not anymore?
Daria – What’s going on?
Jane – Nothing. I just haven’t felt like talking to anybody.
Daria – I’m not anybody, and I’d like to talk to someone.
Jane – But you’ve been talking to everyone.
Daria – No, everyone’s been talking to me. There’s a difference.
Jane – Well, what do you want to talk about, anyway? You don’t care about what happened.
Daria – How can you say that?
Jane – You’ve been treating it like, “Oh well, another stupid day.” The guy died.
Daria – I know he died! I’m sorry he died! But I’m not going to pretend that he was some great person when he wasn’t. People aren’t upset because Tommy Sherman died; they’re upset because they’re going to die.
Jane – That’s understandable.
Daria – Okay, but you know what I’ve been hearing? “You know how I feel, Daria. You’re gloomy. I knew I can talk to you, Daria. You’re always miserable.” Tragedy hits the school and everyone thinks of me. A popular guy died, and now I’m popular because I’m the misery chick. But I’m not miserable. I’m just not like them.

Bringing it all back to the celebrity deaths that have hit this year so far…

People die every day.  Sometimes it’s someone we know personally, but oftentimes it’s someone we don’t know at all.  I think lately it’s seemed that more celebrities have died in a shorter space of time (than at any other time) because it’s people who have been very visible in the public eye who have died.  You think about it, there were loads of actors and musicians in the first half of the 20th century who died without much acknowledgement because the media and information sharing of today was non-existent back then.  People who have died recently may have started their careers in the 1950s/60s (or even 1970s/80s), and with the advent of television and globalisation of the media and information sharing over the subsequent decades means that these people have had an impact across generations, so their passing makes it feel more personal to us because we feel like we’ve grown up with them and have fond memories with strong emotions attached.  But ultimately, it’s the stark realisation that if these seemingly superhuman people are just as mortal as the rest of us, then that means one day we will face our own mortality, which as humans we’re very good at denying and avoiding.

I don’t want to come across as an insensitive person and I hope I’ve made sense… I may come back in a few days, re-read it and think “geez, you really screwed that up!” and do a full re-write.  But I’ve gone back and read it aloud and it seems to make the point I had set out to make.

In summary, I don’t think it’s a case that proportionately any more celebrities have died than at any other time in history… I reckon that it’s a case that more people are known through the media (film, television, and the internet) and it just seems like more well-known people have died, but it’s only because there are more of them that are known to us as the general public (that was very difficult to word!).

My thoughts are with the families and friends of those lost, but I am thankful for the impression left on the world that each and every one of them has made. Love & light xx

Edit: 22/04/16 at 23:45 – I was right! Look at this article published on the BBC News website (which only just appeared in my news feed, despite it being shared on the BBC Breakfast Facebook page this morning).